I need a title...

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."


"Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first."


"After all is said and done, usually more is said."


"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."


"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together."
~ Carl Zwanig ~


"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."


"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"


"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."


"Fish and visitors smell in three days."
~ Benjamin Franklin, 1736 ~


"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."


"The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night."
~ Otto von Bismarck ~


"If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame."


"Down with gravity!"


"If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?"


"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics."
~ Benjamin Disraeli ~


"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to work."


"A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist."


"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
~ Mark Twain (1835-1910) ~


"Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport."


"A kid's idea of a balanced diet is a hamburger in each hand."


"If a man says something, but there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"


"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
~ Ellen DeGeners ~

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
~ George Carlin ~


"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
~ Groucho Marx ~


"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."
~ Carol Leifer ~

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you; but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? (this ones for you S.S.S.B.)

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Why is it that when someone tells you that there’s billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Do people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? I m hukt on fonix

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situation?

I am really happy because for some reason February was driving me a bit crazy. I still have February fever though so I am going to let it out:

AHHHH! Sock monkeys rule! Wap you with my sock monkeys tail! MWHAHAHAHA! You and your potatoes are no match for my monkey! KUNG FU FIGHTING TIME! And an ice cream lands on the potatoes head. Will he make it? AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! lolololol!!!!!!!!! The monkey eats a bandanna and thinks it is a banana. OHOHOHOHOH NOOOO! He is rushed to the hospital and the clown smacks a pie in his face too hard and becomes unconscious. The monkey eats another pancake and says goodbye cruel world. The clown is awake and proposes to the monkey. The monkey dies and the clown is in trauma. Heading over to the local orphanage, the clown offers a button to the frog. The frog kisses the clown and he turns into a prince! Then, he whisks the monkey away to a nerd. The nerd uses his nerdy powers to dorkafy the monkey!!!! WOOO HOOO! She is alive! Then they eat gumbo and live happily ever after.